The Derb

I was going to start my healthy life style today, but then the Derb reared its ugly head.  I was on my way there dreaming of eating a giant salad and huge piece of chicken when BAAM it was chicken strip day.  So i thought to myself, Ill just have one plate and ill be fine.  Well one plate turned into 2 and then that turned into a bowl of ice cream.  Moral of the story is that the Derb is a evil place and the only reason it is open is to keep or get students fat.    The university wants us all to be fat so that we lose all self esteem and want to go workout at the rec.  A study has shown that in one semester a student can gain up to 23.5 pounds just eating at the Derb.  With this excess weight the students self esteem plummets because they obviously are now hideous to the opposite sex.  A study at a well know university proved that for every pounded gained a male loses 5 hookups.  Men i did the math and at 23.5 pounds that is like 117.5 hookups. You can see how this would lower a mans self esteem.  Why you might ask why the university would want to fatten up there students.  Ill tell you why. Well in order for students to workout there they have to buy a parking pass which makes the school money.   If we don't buy a parking pass then they will slap us with ridiculous 50 dollar parking passes.  The average KSU students eats 3 dollars worth of food per day which we have paid to eat 7 dollars worth at the beginning of the semester, so the school is already turning a sweet profit there and with the added bonus of parking fees the school is wiping there butts with our hard earned money.

(All these facts and figures are in no way true)