Slopapotamus Sighting

Last Friday started off as any other normal night. Had a few beers. Epic fail of using a grill. The usual stuff. All of the sudden though we started to hear an evil cackle. It was like a laugh but worse. The kind of laugh that makes a man want to jam a torpedo in his ear. We knew this could only mean one thing. There was a slapapotamus on the loose. For those of you who don’t know a Slapapotamus is its a cross between a slop tard and a hippopotamus, or a drunk chick with a questionable history of men. So we did what any man would do and jumped in our bat mobiles(my little sisters razor scooters) and headed to the little bear. Once we got there we thought it might have been a false alarm, but then my good friend whos name I will leave out for privacy purposes. Ill call him Jo Haertl. Jo spotted this eerie looking drunken figure in the corner of the bar and he knew it had to be it. He was correct, he had spotted a real life slapa. I thought they were myths. Thought they were just stories your parents told you so you would resist drugs and Alcohol. But folks they are real and living right here in my home town. To keep this short we will call the slapa Missy Young. Once Ho spotted this beast he knew he had to tame it. He instantly went up to catch it but it must have resisted because he had to resort to finagling his tongue into her mouth. He stayed over there “wrestling it” until the bars were closing. Now that Jo had caught the beast it was time for him to take his prey home and finish the capturing process. We tried to tell him he had done enough. He insisted that he would be heated if he knew he had had a slapa in his grasp and let it go. He would never forgive himself. We made It back to the house and we celebrated his catch by having some beers. Well Jo was busy but the rest of us laughed and joked all night. At the end of the day I was happy my friend was able to bang I mean bag a great catch. That was the end of the night and thanks for reading.

STAMPEDE OR Shit Show

I recently attended Stampede and boy was it an adventure. Thursday started off like a regular day with everyone getting there tents up and drinking plenty of water. Then it went something like drink beer and for some reason a lot of the girls must of wanted to us to see how much they had been working out because they were showing everyone there peck muscles. Some needed to workout a lot more. I don’t remember Friday so ill skip to Saturday. For the Vets this day is called slap ass Saturday or Summer brew Saturday. This is the day everything goes to shit. The tent I slept in which we called The Hilary got blown down in hurricane like wind(maybe 7 mph). I was woken up by D seilers friends screaming that the storm of the century was going on and it was not but bitches be crazy I guess. To much of the story to tell so I will just list events:
1. Tent falls over so start drinking at 7 am
2. Steel chair from port a john
3. Pass out at 11am
4. Wake up and start summer brewing
5. Kerschen tries to kiss Brad Peisley
6. He accepts the offer
7. American flag lady humps a tree branch
8. American flag lady tries to depants me. I get her
9. Pass out again and get woke up by summer kicking me screaming I think he id dead.
10. Play limbo limbo limbo
11. Pass out and lose kerschen
12. Kerschen says he was lost but we all not he was butt pirating with Brad.
13. The End
Next blog will be about how to stay fit and trim at stampede

Bachelor Party

Hello Folks. 

Sorry for the long delay in Posts.  I was too busy being surprised sexed by all my finals to blog.  Todays blog will be about the Curtis Whittit bach party.  The festivities started off at Bo "i have a sweet podcast about sports" heartl.  Bo decided he was a master grillerwhen he decided to undercook the shit out of everyones food.  My chicken wa still bleeding when he told me it was done.  This was followed by heavy drinking where Adam "Dman" dorsey buffaloed me and forced me to finish my entire mixed drink.  From bos we went to the new curtis joana love pad.  Dman thought it would be sweet to hood slide across jons brand new ford mustang.  IT wasnt.  At the house we continued to drink and a few got mohawks and i some how come away with racing stripes in my hair.  When i say racing stripes i mean a chunk cut out my hair that they called racing stripes.  The best part of the night came next when we visited a high class establishment called the red garder.  In dim lighting and our drunk state the dancers did appear to be in fact women, so that was a plus.  We headed DT after this.  DT was a great time.  Bo decided he was going to go cowtipping.  For those of you who dont know what that means, it is were you only go after large women and try to get them to go home with you.  It looked like he was going to succeed when he introduced me to his "friend"  I was pretty stoked at first cuz i thought it was Chris Farley back from the dead.  I was wrong because it turned about to be a nice lady named renee.  I had to leave the conversation because i think bo started choking because she was giving him so pretty hardcore mouth to mouth resuscitation.  Bo was not able to bring her home becuz we had to take him home early we he could puke all over his shower.  I am sure there was much more to the night aftr this but this is where i blacked out.  Feel free to comment if you know what happened after this.

God makes people happy

Here is a video to get you thinking of god and in turn making you happy.
 http://thechive.com/2011/05/05/kid-raps-for-the-lord-good-lord-video/

beer

I have heard many rumors about beer.  One of the most outlandish is that it bad for you.  While this has a little truth to it, it is not entirely true.  1 thing that many people overlook is the bicep curl you get at every drink.  The key to making beer drinking healthy is to take many small sips to increase the number of reps you get out of each can.  This is what is called The Sip Method.  Some pros have even been able to "Double Fist" which is when a man or women drinks out of a beer in both hands.  After you have mastered the art of small sips its time to amp up your workout.  Simply take a can of food out of the cabinet, I prefer spaghettios, and duct tape it to your wrist.  You have just added some resistance to your workout.  Another benefit to beer drinking is that the hopps in beer boost metabolism.  I interviewed a man named Justin Kerschen and he said, "After 3 days of the sip method, I have lost 12 pounds and gained 2 inches in each bicep."  He later went on to say the can of food duct taped to his wrist worked wonders but the tape gave him a nasty rash.  He also said the rash was in no way related to the questionable lady he had taken home the night before.  So as you can see this system works.  The sip Method is a great way to be healthy and keep yourself happy.

Remember folks you can be just as happy without being extremely healthy

The Derb

I was going to start my healthy life style today, but then the Derb reared its ugly head.  I was on my way there dreaming of eating a giant salad and huge piece of chicken when BAAM it was chicken strip day.  So i thought to myself, Ill just have one plate and ill be fine.  Well one plate turned into 2 and then that turned into a bowl of ice cream.  Moral of the story is that the Derb is a evil place and the only reason it is open is to keep or get students fat.    The university wants us all to be fat so that we lose all self esteem and want to go workout at the rec.  A study has shown that in one semester a student can gain up to 23.5 pounds just eating at the Derb.  With this excess weight the students self esteem plummets because they obviously are now hideous to the opposite sex.  A study at a well know university proved that for every pounded gained a male loses 5 hookups.  Men i did the math and at 23.5 pounds that is like 117.5 hookups. You can see how this would lower a mans self esteem.  Why you might ask why the university would want to fatten up there students.  Ill tell you why. Well in order for students to workout there they have to buy a parking pass which makes the school money.   If we don't buy a parking pass then they will slap us with ridiculous 50 dollar parking passes.  The average KSU students eats 3 dollars worth of food per day which we have paid to eat 7 dollars worth at the beginning of the semester, so the school is already turning a sweet profit there and with the added bonus of parking fees the school is wiping there butts with our hard earned money.

(All these facts and figures are in no way true)